In Which I talk A Lot About Nothing Much

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I was going to update on Friday, but I hadn’t lost any weight and I hadn’t done anything interesting enough to waste your time with, so I held off for a while. Monday I was upstate and yesterday was just a bad day- So here I am, taking time out of my busy Wednesday (and by busy I mean my tight schedule of watching Hemlock Grove and looking at photos of cats and Benedict Cumberbatch on Tumblr) to talk about my diet progress and weigh in.

I’m down two pounds, which has to be some kind of miracle since my diet has been fairly atrocious the last few days. I spent the weekend nibbling on everything in my fridge, and on Monday I had a giant iced caramel macchiato from Starbucks. Yesterday I indulged in a full English breakfast, and- Yeah. Not good. I’ve been the worst dieter ever.

You know what though? I’m not sure I care. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want to lose weight, but I could live with losing two pounds a week. Sure, it might take a lot longer to reach my goal, but- I don’t know. I hate punishing myself to be thin. I just can’t help but wonder if it’s really the life changer I think it is. Don’t get me wrong, I walk past clothing racks sometimes and long to fit into that pretty shirt or summer dress without feeling like a fatty, but that dress or top isn’t going to make my life better, is it?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still eager to change some of my eating habits, god knows my relationship with food isn’t exactly a healthy one, but maybe it needs to be less of a major focus in my life. I mean, I’m a hot mess, it’s not like my weight is my biggest/only problem.

I do, however, need to get more exercise. I’m just not doing enough and it’s not just showing on my waistline, it’s also making it harder to drag myself out of this rut I’ve been in since my father passed on. I don’t live in an area where just going for a walk feels like an option (and even if it was I think I’d feel weird just wandering around), my treadmill is old as dirt and ready to die, my workout bike has a wonky peddle, and joining a gym is expensive and frankly emotionally unsettling for me. I don’t want people watching me work out. I know that’s such a stupid hang up to have, but I don’t. People are judge-y as fuck (I know this- being a person myself and all), and I already judge myself hard enough, thanks, I don’t need everyone else joining in.

Someone told me I should try at home Zumba or whatever, but I think they may have been overestimating my coordination and dancing abilities. I’ve tried the dance along workouts before and I am awful at them. I’m just not graceful at all. I’m the kind of girl who trips over air, okay? There’s not much chance of me salsa-ing gracefully around my living room. Not without breaking things (possibly my legs).

Yeah, I know, I’m bitching and whining when I should be doing something, and I will- I promise. No doubt I’ll get offline and drag myself to the mall for an hour, because at least then I’m walking, but I miss getting a real work out. Maybe it’s time to invest in a new bike. A good one this time, not the Walmart special.

Today’s meal plan is pretty boring. Breakfast was an egg white and cheese omelet (200 calories), Lunch is going to be a can of gluten free lite clam chowder (another 200 cal). I’ll probably have Cheetos as a snack (2 servings, let’s be real here), and dinner is going to be home made turkey tacos I think.

I made the mistake of buying gelato the other day, so dessert is inevitable… That brings today’s calories up to approximately 1,558.

Not too bad. I can live with that.

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I’m Back (And Still Fat)

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It’s been a long time since I left, but it doesn’t feel that way. I’ve been told that’s normal when you’re grieving- that time moves quickly but seems to stand still. I wish I could swan back in here with wonderful news, but honestly I’m kind of a wreck. Maybe that’s good though, maybe being a wreck makes change easier. I don’t know, I guess I can only keep going until I find out.

 

Since my father’s death I’ve lost 10 lbs, then gained 13lbs, then lost 4lbs… So I’m down a pound from where I started, which is something, I guess. I had a week where I just didn’t eat, then a week where I ate everything, then sort of fell into a strange pattern where I did both. It hasn’t been good for me, and today is the day I force myself out of that slump, I think. I’ve already planned my meals for the day, and I’ve even worked out a little.

However, I’ve done more than damage my diet over the past few weeks. Oh yes, when I go into self destruct mode I go full on. I started smoking again (augh, I’m an idiot), and I had gluten a few times- Which isn’t even a rewarding thing to do for me. I get about 2 minutes of “Mmm, doughnut, doughnut good….”, then instantly blimp up like a hot air balloon. I think people think I’m making up my gluten allergy until they see that. I mean honestly, I’m like the blueberry girl in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It’s awful. I’m awful. I need a slap in the face or something.

So no more gluten and no more cigarettes? Okay, I might hold off on the smoking thing until I have my diet under control, but it’s on the list of ‘Shit To Stop Doing ASAP’.

 

Meal Plan For The Day:

Turkey sausage and egg whites

Lite gluten free clam chowder (Only 200 calories for a whole can!)

100 calorie popcorn bag

Homemade low-fat quesadilla and brown rice.

Single serving of Cheetos.

 

I’m also back on the Alli. I find that when I’m really dedicated to my diet it moves things along quicker. I’ve also found that if I have gluten by mistake it seems to help flush it from my system faster, so it has it’s perks. Is it kind of gross? Eh, a bit. I wouldn’t take one and then go eat a McDonald’s value meal, not if you enjoy having your dignity intact, but for most things it’s a nice little fat blocker. There’s nothing on my daily menu I wouldn’t risk taking it with, though I didn’t bother taking one at breakfast so I’ll likely have my third pill with my Cheetos instead.

On a related note, someone once asked me if it was safe to take two at a time if you’re having a heavy meal, and I’d honestly say no, it isn’t. Ignoring the fact that they tell you not to do that right on the box, I think you’d regret taking two the first time you went to the bathroom after. No, really, I can’t even imagine how unpleasant that would be.

So yeah, I’m back and I’m getting myself together. Tomorrow I’ll go back to my usual posts, and Friday I’ll share my weigh in. X_x

Day two – And a rant about fat clothes

(Note! I haven’t actually eaten dinner yet (though I did cook it to heat up later lol), it’s only 4:30 after all, but I wanted to get this up now since I’m visiting a friend in hospital tonight.)

Calories allowed: 1,670

Calories eaten: 1,254 (better!)

Today was a mellow day, I got up early, managed to remember to have a yogurt for breakfast, then got on with my day. Burned some light calories doing housework, but made the mistake of having a lot of broth based meals again. Lunch was curried chicken in a broth based soup. Dinner was fish soup. I had my usual popcorn snacks and even treated myself to a chocolate bar.

I was going to let myself go high in caloric intake today, but I’m honestly not hungry really today, and I’m at that weird stage in my diet where I’m obsessing over only eating low calorie meals. I just hope it wont bite me in the backside next week when I’m suddenly craving starchy foods.

Tomorrow is going to be an odd one. I’m heading into the city with a friend for a day of museum wandering and shopping. Lots of walking is a plus, but having celiacs makes eating out kind of a pain. I’m thinking I’ll take a Kind bar with me as a snack, grab a Starbucks Latte at the station, and maybe do fries somewhere for lunch? Not the healthiest meals, but not too bad. I’ll plug it all into myfitnesspal as I go and tally it up when I get home. I figure with all the walking we’ll be doing it’s okay if my meals are a tad fatty.

Tomorrow is also my next weigh in. *gasp*. I’m actually not expecting a big difference. In fact with all the sodium I’ve had I’m likely carrying a bit of water weight. We’ll see though. I wouldn’t mind being down a pound. XD

The hardest part about planning a daytrip for me is deciding what to wear. I feel like I only have a handful of casual outfits I look good in, and I wear those so often that they’re growing dull. It doesn’t help that since I’ve dropped a few sizes lately a lot of what I own is getting baggy. I know, I know, what kind of fat girl bitches about her clothes being too big, right? But, well, when you’re fat your favourite looks become your armor. You find things that make you look good and wear the hell out of them- and when they’re suddenly too big to look good, it’s scary. You have to start all over again and hunt for things that flatter- and if you’re like me, trying on clothes is usually a soul crushing afternoon that leads to self loathing and agony. I’m down from a US size 24 to an 18 (20 in some shops still), and while that’s approaching normal in size, it’s still big. I’m still big.

Part of me knows that even if I get down to a size 12, there will still be jeans that don’t fit and tops that look wrong- But the smaller you get the more choices you have. As a big girl when you try on 5 things and they all look rubbish, that’s usually it. You either go home empty handed or move onto the next shop. And don’t get me started on Lane Bryant or Avenue. Sure, they get the occasional cute thing in, but they’re always way overpriced for what they are, and honestly, 80% of what they sell is a bit on the fug side. Oh, and their jeans? UGH. Just ’cause I’ve got a tummy doesn’t mean my thighs are the size of trunks. Please tell me I’m not the only one who tries on plus size jeans only to find the thighs so saggy you could smuggle watermelons in them.

At the moment I’ve taken to wearing leggings and tunics or leggings and short dresses. they hide my wobbly bits, but they hug my legs. It’s not as fashion forward as it was a year ago, but I make it work, I think.

I’ve also found I’m now small enough to shop in the plus sized section of Forever 21, which is nice since it’s budget friendly clothes I don’t feel bad about tossing when they’re (hopefully) too big in a few months. But again, limited selection means there are only a handful of items there, and usually I only find one or two things that actually look right. Note to plus size designers. Unless it’s a dress that flairs out at the hip, never cut a fat girl in half. Our tops should be just a tad longer than ‘normal’ sizes, covering at least part of the hips and bum. It makes us look longer and leaner, and trust me that’s always a good thing.

Alright that’s enough ranting for now.  I’ll have another post up tomorrow night when I get in, I might even post a photo of the outfit I chose to wear into the city. 🙂

Day One

I use myfitnesspal.com to work out my numbers (just in case you were curious), so let’s start with the stats.

Allowed Caloric Intake: 1,670

Actual Caloric Intake: 930 (not good!)

As a rule you shouldn’t go under 12,000 calories, but given that this is day one of the diet I’m not going to stress it. In fact it might come in useful if I need wiggle room later in the week. I’ve found that weekly caloric intake tends to be more important than the daily, and those extra 200 calories might come in handy if I slip up at the weekend.

Why so low? I suck at remembering to eat breakfast. I don’t know why, but I either forget to go eat it, oversleep and miss it, or just don’t feel like eating that early. One of my goals this week is to try and eat at least a yogurt every morning when I wake up.

What were my meals like? Pretty simple. Lunch was home made egg-drop soup (a current obsession of mine, you’ll see this a lot on my list), Snacks were a 100 calorie bag of pop secret, and a banana cream pie yogurt (yoplait lite were on sale this week so they’re what I’m eating). I also went to meet a friend for Starbucks and had a Hazelnut Macchiato (OMFG YUM), and though I ordered soy they gave me skim. Dinner was chicken broth and some dry-fried scallops, along with some spinach I had in the fridge that needed to be eaten. Dessert was another bag of 100 calorie popcorn and an apple.

I need to lay off the broth, I know it’s low in calories, but the sodium is crazy high, and the low sodium stuff tastes sweet to me (bleh). Also, based on today’s numbers I can’t do soup for lunch and dinner too often, but once a week might be okay? Well see.

How do I feel? Full, which is good. I figure if I get hungry again before bedtime I can make more broth or eat another apple.

A lot of people aren’t into calorie counting, and that’s cool. Honestly, it’s not for everyone, i just know it works well for me. It makes me more conscious of how much I’m eating, which is a huge help since I can be a grazer. You know what I mean, you eat one cookie when you wander past the kitchen, and then one more the next time… Ect. So writing it down makes me more conscious of what I’m eating.

Emotionally today was… Good? Good-ish. I weighed myself early and was down the pounds I’d gained last week, leaving me where I’d started. I’m currently (ohgodIcan’tbelieveI’msharingthis) 259, and my current goal is to hit 200. Ideally I should be around 150, but I want to make my goals reachable, and I think 60lbs is doable. Now while all you trolls are pissing yourself with joy ready to write what a fat bitch I am in the comments, just know I already know that. I am fat, I’m aware I’m fat, thus the weight loss goals.

I guess the real question is how I got so fat. I wish I could blame it all on my gluten allergy (I was recently diagnosed with celiacs and as soon as I cut out wheat gluten I shrank 3 sizes – yep, I used to be even fatter), but I know it’s not all that. There were a few years where I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care how fat I got or how I looked, because I was hiding away from the world, and if the world couldn’t see me, then why did it matter how I looked? By the time I was forced to re-emerge I’d gained so much weight that losing it all seemed like a hopeless cause- made worse by the fact that even when I did diet I didn’t seem to lose weight. Again, I’m not blaming the celiacs for everything, but it is suspicious how post-diagnoses I can suddenly lose weight when I diet.

So here I am, still fat but finally motivated to do something about it.

Tomorrow Started Today

For a really long time I was guilty of being one of those dieters who’d start the day off great and then somehow end it shoving all the wrong foods sown my throat. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just a late night eater. From morning until about 6 pm, I don’t think about food- even on days where I’m not doing much. But it hits that time, and suddenly I just want to eat all the things I shouldn’t. ALL OF THEM. Sometimes at the same time.

So I crash hard, screw up my calorie count, and say ‘Screw it, I’ll start the diet tomorrow’.

Except tomorrow sometimes doesn’t come. Sometimes tomorrow turns into next Monday or after your vacation, right? Or worse, tomorrow does come, you have a few good days- maybe even a week- and then suddenly you’re eating all the wrong things again. And it’s not that I deprive myself when I’m dieting, I know better than to say ‘no chocolate’ or whatever. I eat the things I like, I just get tired of caring.

Last week I was bad. I put 3lbs back on after losing 5. It was pretty damn heartbreaking to be honest. I was doing so well, and then suddenly I ate a bag of Cheetos and stopped calorie counting and- yeah.

So the diet started again, and this time to keep myself honest, I’m keeping a journal. I’m going to write every failure, every success, and I’m going to keep going until I can look in the mirror and say- Yeah, that’s me. I look pretty good.

I’ll be posting my first real post in a few minutes. I’ll be listing my caloric intake, foods I’m depending on at the moment, and things like that. Here’s hoping it does me some good.